The Day I Took My Birthday Back As My Own

Disclaimer to anyone who I shared a birthday or birthday party with, you know I love you. I look back on those years with nothing but love. I just realized over the years that I needed a day for me, that I could always count on, and that was my birthday.

May 11, 1995. 

My 19th birthday. 

The day that I took that day back as my own. 

For as long as I can remember, I have shared my birthday with other people. Not because they had the same birthday as me, but because their birthdays were close to mine. And instead of all of us having separate parties, we usually just had one because it was easier and cheaper. 

And having a birthday the second week of May also meant that I occasionally share it with Mother’s Day.

Now did I hate sharing a birthday season with three of my friends, my cousin, and Mother’s Day? Not at all. Those three friends I still adore and wouldn’t share my birthday with anyone else. And my cousin? That was more because it was convenient to throw one party instead of two, even though our birthdays are a month apart. 

And Mother’s Day? I have no problem sharing my birthday with my mom. I mean, I wouldn’t HAVE a birthday without her, right? But for most of my life, every time my birthday fell on Mother’s Day, it was like my birthday didn’t exist. Some people were great at making sure my birthday didn’t go unnoticed, some were not. 

And I’m not someone who needs a lot on her birthday. I hate parties. I would rather do trips or dinner with a friend or two. I actually LOVE spending my birthday by myself because I know that my birthday won’t go unnoticed when it’s just me. And I know how to spoil the shit out of myself. I was born during the self-care season (Taurus season) for a reason. Honestly, I’m usually just happy with you remembering my birthday. I don’t need much else. 

I didn’t realize how much I craved a day that was just for me until I got older. But I also realized as I got older that most of my birthdays when I was younger were for someone else. They were never for me. 

So on my 19th birthday, I did something that was totally out of character for me…

I skipped school. 

I was in junior college at the time and while it wasn’t finals week, I think it was “dead week”, which means we were just going over subject matter for the final. And I couldn’t tell you what class I skipped if I tried, but I know I skipped it because I didn’t have an unexcused absence in the class, and you could have up to three before it affected your grade. 

And since I grew up in California and the ocean was never more than 30 minutes away, instead of going to class, I went to the beach. I had friends who came over after I got out of class, so I just had to be back by then and my mom would still think I went to school. 

And while it caused me endless anxiety on the drive over (like I said, out of character), it ended up being the best decision of my life. The anxiety eased as I drove (driving and the ocean still ease my anxiety even now), and I kept thinking that the beach was EXACTLY the place I needed to be on my birthday. There was no traffic because it was after morning rush but before lunch rush. I went to a beach that was away from all of the Santa Cruz beaches because the farther north you went, the beaches were less crowded. And with the fog layer lingering, and me in jeans and a hoodie (because NorCal beaches are NOT warm beaches), I had the beach to myself for a while and I was at my happy place. The place I felt the most like me. The place that grounded me. The place that let me breathe. And I did it for me and no one else. 

And ever since that day, I have made it a point to make sure I do something for ME every birthday. It doesn’t have to be big, but it does have to be for me and me alone. Because it’s MY birthday, not anyone else’s. And my birthday should always be for me, regardless of who or what I share it with. 

I’ve gotten called selfish over the years for taking that day off from work or not letting someone throw me a party. And it used to bother me because why wouldn’t you take the day off? Why wouldn’t you want a day for yourself? But as I got older, I realized that projection happens and just because that’s what someone else wants on their birthday, doesn’t mean that’s what you want. So do whatever the fuck you want on your birthday. 

And side note: can we please destigmatize the word “selfish”? You need to be selfish for your own well-being sometimes. Yes, care about others, but you can’t care about others unless you care about yourself first. So be selfish if it means you care about you and put yourself first.