About three months ago, I got to do something that I never thought in a million years that I would attempt, much less go through with - a boudoir photo shoot.

I don’t know why I got this sudden urge to do one. I’ve never in my life wanted to do one before. But while I was searching for random shit on Groupon (as you do), I found myself searching for this particular thing. I was even more shocked when I clicked “purchase”.

I’ve never been a girl who has ever thought of herself as “sexy”. I’ve been blessed with crazy curves most of my life, but I’ve never wanted to show them off. My self-confidence has never been the greatest, especially when it comes to said curves, and it got even worse when I gained a lot of weight a few years back.

But a few of months ago, I decided that I needed a confidence boost. I have been feeling better about my body lately thanks to getting a few things figured out. And I needed, at 45, to start accepting where my body was at today, regardless of where that was…

Now for those of you who are curious about the process of a boudoir photo shoot, I’ll give you a little run down before I get into how mine went:

• I bought the Groupon, and it mentioned calling the studio to set up a phone call.

• I commented on one of their Instagram posts about it, so they reached out to me instead, and we scheduled a time for said phone call.

• We chatted about the photo package deals, times they had available coming up, cancellation fees, etc. And then, we booked a date, which included a “hold the date” fee that could be taken off the price of the pictures.

• I was e-mailed a contract to electronically sign.

• At some point, they send you a link to a blog post and the blog post talks a lot about what the session will be like.

• Since my appointment was over a month out at that point, I didn’t have much contact with them until a couple of weeks out, when they e-mail you a form to fill out about your session.

• The day of the session, I went to a salon for hair and makeup first. And then, I drove to the studio, which was about 10-15 minutes away.

• They meet you, look over your clothing choices (and offer some of theirs), and then, instruct you to get into your first outfit. They have a makeshift dressing room in the studio.

• I did a bunch of poses in one outfit, and then, changed my outfit. And I did this four times.

• After the session, we picked a time a week later to be able to view my pictures. Both myself and the photographer conveniently had to be in Boulder on the same day, so we did it there.

• We met up and looked at all of the pictures, and then, narrowed them down to which ones I really loved. I decided what I could afford photo package wise and that determined how many pictures I could choose.

• Since I paid upfront (they had financing as well), I was told I should have them in a couple of weeks (which was accurate).

So now that you know some of the logistics of the shoot, here is how mine went…

As I drove down to the other side of town that morning, I felt pretty good about myself. Body, mind and spirit. Traffic was even behaving on I-25 so it was a good morning all around.

The reason I chose this particular studio because they did a lot of things for you that I don’t like to do. Your hair, your makeup, and they even had a “client closet” so that you didn’t have to worry about anything. Intuitively, I picked up a few things on my own (you could bring your own stuff in too), and it ended up coming in very handy.

I first got sent to a salon, but it was more of a blow dry bar. A girl did my makeup before anything and she was great. She really made me feel like it was about me that day. And then, I sat in the chair for my hair. I have a pixie cut, so super short, but there was definitely something to work with. The girl who did my hair tried to do something with it, and then, just gave up. Like “what am I supposed to do with THAT?” energy. So I ended up doing my own, which I could have done at home, which, in hindsight, I wish I would have.

I left the salon kind of frustrated and triggered because of the loud speakers in there. But I did some breathing techniques and drove the 10 or so minutes to the studio, and my nervous system calmed down quickly. But when I got to the studio, they were doing construction at the studio next door. A LOT of banging on walls. The photographers had asked them to keep it down, which I appreciated, and turned up the music a bit (it was classical). Then, they showed me the “client closet”, and I immediately knew why I had shopped a bit on my own. There were four things in the “plus-size” category, and only one thing fit, which is already a plus-size woman’s worst nightmare. Not to mention, there are only a few plus-size clothing places that fit accurately off the rack. They still have no idea how to fit plus sizes. I don’t know how many brands that I have a size range for, not a particular size. All I can say is thank God for Torrid or else I’d be walking around naked, showing off my tattoos to everybody…

And do I expect them to know this? No. But if you’re claiming to be “size inclusive”, I DO expect you to do your homework, so that EVERYONE is comfortable in your studio. Talk to someone who is plus-sized about how clothes and lingerie fit and then, outfit your “closet” with that in mind, not the “well, this one size will fit multiple people”. That’s not the way the body works and there are so many versions of “plus-size” bodies out there. And if it’s a newer business thing and you haven’t had a chance to build up the closet yet, tell me that too, so that I’m prepared, not blindsided.

After that, there were four clothing changes and bunch of poses that I honestly don’t remember much of because everything went by in a blur. I purposely upgraded to the 90 minute session, so that I could have more time and so that it didn’t feel rushed, and it still felt that way. We would barely get a pose done and then, it was on to the next one. I am 45 with no core and an arthritic spine (among other things). I also analyze bodies and posture for a living, and know my body way too well. But at the same time, I’m going to need a minute to get into that pose. And that is not including the PTSD stuff. It felt like there was an agenda behind the session, but it had nothing to do with me and how I felt. It was so structured that the photographers barely got a chance to get creative with some shots, outside of the many poses. I got asked if I had any ideas, and I had a couple. And when I picked my pictures a week later or so, three out of the six were my ideas and they revolved around my tattoos. Because out of all of them (50+ pictures), they were the three that felt most like me. It was hard finding myself in any of the other pictures and that’s huge for me because if I can’t be authentic, then who am I?

At the end of the day, there were a few takeaways from my boudoir shoot:

• The girl who did my makeup was amazing.

• The photographers were nice and tried to be as accommodating as they could be.

• The pictures came out well, but most of them were not … me.

• I am not a lingerie girl.

• I am not a makeup girl.

• I prefer comfort items to feel sexy.

• Despite the numerous poses, it felt like they did the same poses with everyone and that it wasn’t customized to the client. And if you’re paying this much for a session and pictures, wouldn’t you want it to be customized to you and your body and your needs, not someone else’s?

• Good communication goes a long way, and this is something that this whole process lacked as well.

• Every body is beautiful, but every body is also DIFFERENT and has its own needs, wants, and attributes. Every body has its own story, and deserves to be treated as such and with respect.

• I can overcome the low self-esteem and accept my body for where it is at now, but I can still want to change that in the future.

• There is damn good food and ice cream on the other side of town. What? A girl’s gotta eat…

The whole process was definitely eye-opening in many different ways. I don’t regret doing it, but obviously, some things could have gone better. The way the day starts off can shift your mindset for the rest of the day, not to mention the energy in the studio and the salon. I started off the day grounded and happy. I ended it confused, frustrated, anxious, and exhausted. I’m not telling you not to do a boudoir shoot. If that’s something you want to do, by all means do it. But do your homework on the studio and make sure that it is a good fit for YOU. Because that’s all that matters. Not what they THINK your pictures and you are supposed to look like in them. But how YOU think and feel.

*Edited to add: I reached out to the owner and voiced my concerns. She offered me a second session to makeup for the last one and to correct some things. If I end up accepting it, I will write a follow-up on it, and I promise to go into it with an open mind and heart.